MARRIED TO A MAMA'S BOY
Kathy, 38 , used to be married to a certified Mama's boy. She already knew that his attachment to his mother would pose a problem later on. But she was madly in love with him that she chose to ignore the signs. Her husband was sweet and caring when they were still going steady. But after they got married, he showed another side of him that gave her years of unspeakable anguish. "He's used to having what he wants.His mother really spoiled him." Kathy shakes her head when she recalls their stormy marriage." I was always the one who compromised , the one who adjusted to his caprices, the one who did all the hard work."
It did not help that they were staying with his parents as they were still saving up for a house of their own. Although Kathy has no complaints as far as her in-laws are concerned, she still thinks that it would have been better had they lived in their own house. " That would have taught him to be responsible. He was dependent on his parents and on me. Since he's the youngest and only boy, he's the "baby" of the family. He's so demanding and wants instant gratification." What made it worse for Kathy was her husband's habit of telling her that she was not as efficient as his mother. He complained that she's not a good cook and not frugal like his mom. The constant comparision almost drove her to the heights of dementia. Things got worse when his parents left for the States during the sugar crisis leaving them on their own.
Although she finally had a say on how to run their household, Kathy found out much to her dismay that she could not shake off the shadow of her mother-in-law. Blame it on the strong matriarchal tendencies of Negrenses. Not a day passed that her husband did not make her feel that she wasn't as good as his mother. Later on, the emotional and verbal abuses graduated to physical abuse. Kathy had just given birth to their first child when he started hitting her. He wanted her to stop working and be a full time mother to their kid. But Kathy refused as her career then was soaring. But the abuses became frequent and she could no longer concentrate on her work. "I was losing my head but before it could happen, I finally decided to end the relationship. I left him even if he was already down on his knees begging me to stay."
But leaving her husband wasn't an easy decision for her to make even if he was abusive. She spent countless nights mulling over her decision. For one, her in-laws were very nice to her wants. and second, her husband adored and was very close to their child. "My in-laws were telling me to be patient and wait for him to mature. But how long can I wait? Our son is so close to him and it pains me to see him crying and looking for his Dad. But having gone through years of abuse, I've had enough and I know I must leave and get my life back."
Lani's case is different. It's something that some people may find peculiar, weird or just simply different. She lived with a man for five years be fore they finally decided to tie the knot. Why it took them that long to get married puzzled their friends. They were made for each other, that's what they thought. Both were single and there was no one who stood between them. They were free to many in technical terms.
"He didn't offer to marry me then. . It was only when he was beginning to feel jealous of my other male friends that he offered marriage," Lani divulged. But their respective families and friends were more than stunned when they announced that they were separating a few months after they got married. Gulpe lang, talk of the town sila sang Bacolod. Kathy's parents were bewildered by her calmness when she told them that they had already consulted a lawyer to expedite the process. Parents on both sides tried to bring them back together but to no avail. Some of their closest friends also attempted to bring back the sparkle in their relationship by organizing parties and picnics at the prawn farm for them. But they finally gave up when they realized that the decision was final.
"I just woke up one day and realized that I was no longer in love with him. There was no third party. I just simply fell out of love," says Lani. But their story isn't that simple. Lani lived with him when she was barely in her twenties despite the vehement objection of her family.He was her first love: And she thought it was meant to last forever. What pushed her to do the unexpected? "Because I found out that I'd already lost myself. I was very meek and submissive. His wish was my command. I obeyed everything thai he said and did everything that he asked me to do. And after doing all these things for him, he took me for granted. He was so inconsiderate of my feelings."
Before they got married, her husband had a string of flings and he didn't bother to hide these from her. After their wedding, she thought he would change, but he didn't. He still stuck to his ways like drinking and womanizing. Even if they were already married he still went out with his friends. And he didn't stop going to girlie bars or coming home drunk in the wee hours ofthe moming. It's good thing they didn't have a child. Otherwise, it would have been more difficult to cut the ties. "I'm still young. I don't want to be trapped in a loveless and unhappy marriage. But I don't have regrets either. It was good for a long while but I think it's true that some good things never last," ended Lani.
LIVING LIKE A CLONE
Inday may not fit the epitome of a martyr. She's smart and successful. But beneath the power suit is a woman who's hurting. She fell in love and lived with a separated man 15 years her senior. He was her mentor, lover and friend rolled into one. And it would have been the kind of relationship that she always wanted to have. Orphaned at an early age, Inday was looking for a nurturer. Someone who could be more than a lover. And he was the kind of man she thought was perfect for her. But sadly though, her man still seemed in love with his first wife. Inday felt that the shadow of his wife was standing between them all the time. There were times that he unconsciously compared Inday with his first wife. "His first wife is totally my opposite. She's the housewife type, the kind of woman who will stay up late at night to wait for her husband to come home. She's a good cook and she never argued or disagreed with him. I guess he missed her meekness more than anything else."
For some reason, his first wife left him. She's now in the US and has already found a significant other. Inday, on the other hand, met her lover when he was still reeling from the devastating effects of his failed relationship. They have many things in common and that brought them together. Both hard-driven, career-oriented and they even play the same sport - golf. It would have been a perfect match. Even their tempers are almost the same. "It was a passionate relationship but in the end we were also consumed by our passion. But more than that it was his reluctance to leave his past behind. He couldn't accuse me of not doing anything to save our relationship because there was a point when I even tried to be like his first wife. Some of our friends were already teasing me that I'd become a clone of his ex. And they were right."
Inday finally ended the relationship when it dawned on her that he wasn't inclined to have his first marriage annulled. It was more than an insult that he was looking for his wife in her. Still, it wasn't an easy decision for Inday because she was madly in love with him. But realizing that the relationship was not going anywhere because he still longed for his ex-wife even if the latter had already closed the doors on him, Inday finally had the courage to use her head to the delight of her worried friends.
Sandy was often the butt of jokes of her friends who chided her for her "martyrdom". Her well-meaning friends were actually concerned with her relationship with her long time boyfriend. Sandy met her boyfriend in college. They were friends first before they went steady. But he didn't love her as much as she loved him. This she had proven countless times. Aside from her, the guy had other flings which he didn't bother to hide from her. Every time he became serious with one of his flings, he would break it off with Sandy, only to come backto her later with the promise that he would remain faithful. But she had lost count of the number of times he had broken his promises. Her friends had been telling her time and again to leave him. But for seven years, 'Sandy was adamant. She was secretly hoping he would change. But he never did. Each time he offended her, she would willingly forgive him. Perhaps. it was difficult for Sandy because he was her first boyfriend and her first love. To be fair, he had his endearing qualities too. He,was sweet and romantic and had a great sense of humor.
Sandy's friends could only pray that she would one day see the light. And after seven years, she finally did. But only affer she discovered that he was seriously dating a pretty officemate. "There was one party that we attended together. I really felt bad because even in my presence, he was flirting with her. I knew right then and there that he was deeply attracted to her and she would be his latest conquest. But funnily enough I wasn't jealous. I was just kind of numb." But the "numbness" was already a symptom. She soon felt anger and she chastised herself for being so "dumb" after all these years. When she finally broke off with him, her friends rejoiced. Nobody wanted to believe it at first, but she remained steadfast in her decision.
Looking back, Sandy can only smile faintly. They have nice memories together but these were marred by his unfaithfulness. But Sandy knows that she is also partly to be blamed for her misery because she allowed herself to be treated that way. But it's not yet late to learn. For the ladies out there who are trapped in a nightmare of a relationship, it's not yet too late to cut the ties. No matter how painful it is to leave, think of yourself. Life is beautiful. Don't waste it on an abusive relationship. Love yourself. Pick up the pieces and remember that it's never too late to get your life back.